Without realizing it is already May and it has been almost 4 months since the biggest life changing event incident happened to my family. I must admit that the first two months of the semester really destroyed me as a person. The fact that my summer vacation turned into a nightmare was really hard to believe. I am taking Exercise and Sports Science for my degree and of course I have to learn things such as giving first aid and etc. So it made it harder for me to focus because I couldn’t run from thinking about the incident. Plus the same picture of the incident kept on replaying in my mind. At times I had hard times breathing and I felt suffocated, and when I was in lectures, my mind went completely blank and I just couldn’t listen to what my lecturers were talking about. I spent times crying in the shower, buses and trains. Yeah, it was that bad. But I tried to keep going. I swear I tried because I felt especially bad to those who sponsored for my tuition fees for this semester.
At a certain point, I decided to bring myself up again because I know my dad wouldn’t like to see me acting the way I did. So I told my housemates to write me motivational notes so that I could stick them on my board, whenever I miss talking my dad, I write letters to him (in which they will remain undelivered in this world), I tried writing motivational quotes for myself and I tried giving myself a pep talk every morning in front of the mirror and during autumn break, I went traveling with my friends and just enjoyed the good companies. Every time I was feeling extremely depressed, I kept giving myself reasons to why I can’t behave the way I did. I realized that I am the one who is in charge of how I feel. As sad as I may be, I am the one who decides whether I should let myself getting destroyed because I am in control of my emotions. I gave myself some thoughts and I realized that there are people who are going through worse than what my family and I are going through. I also realized that whenever I feel sad, it was me who decided to feel sad and that same goes with being happy.
I may look like a woman with a heart of steel. I may look like I am strong inside out. But just with a fact that I am a human being, I do feel sad, and I am fragile. So I am very thankful and feeling very blessed with the fact that I am surrounded with good friends. The friends who constantly give me mental supports and keep checking up on me every once in a while to see whether I am doing okay or not. To all my friends, thank you so much I just don’t know how to pay this debt. Just letting you know, I am starting to accept the reality and fate that Allah has given me.
Here’s a short video of my autumn break trip to Brisbane, Queensland, Australia.