One step closer.

 

Without realizing it is already May and it has been almost 4 months since the biggest life changing event incident happened to my family. I must admit that the first two months of the semester really destroyed me as a person. The fact that my summer vacation turned into a nightmare was really hard to believe. I am taking Exercise and Sports Science for my degree and of course I have to learn things such as giving first aid and etc. So it made it harder for me to focus because I couldn’t run from thinking about the incident. Plus the same picture of the incident kept on replaying in my mind. At times I had hard times breathing and I felt suffocated, and when I was in lectures, my mind went completely blank and I just couldn’t listen to what my lecturers were talking about. I spent times crying in the shower, buses and trains. Yeah, it was that bad. But I tried to keep going. I swear I tried because I felt especially bad to those who sponsored for my tuition fees for this semester.

At a certain point, I decided to bring myself up again because I know my dad wouldn’t like to see me acting the way I did. So I told my housemates to write me motivational notes so that I could stick them on my board, whenever I miss talking my dad, I write letters to him (in which they will remain undelivered in this world), I tried writing motivational quotes for myself and I tried giving myself a pep talk every morning in front of the mirror and during autumn break, I went traveling with my friends and just enjoyed the good companies. Every time I was feeling extremely depressed, I kept giving myself reasons to why I can’t behave the way I did. I realized that I am the one who is in charge of how I feel. As sad as I may be, I am the one who decides whether I should let myself getting destroyed because I am in control of my emotions. I gave myself some thoughts and I realized that there are people who are going through worse than what my family and I are going through. I also realized that whenever I feel sad, it was me who decided to feel sad and that same goes with being happy.

I may look like a woman with a heart of steel. I may look like I am strong inside out. But just with a fact that I am a human being, I do feel sad, and I am fragile. So I am very thankful and feeling very blessed with the fact that I am surrounded with good friends. The friends who constantly give me mental supports and keep checking up on me every once in a while to see whether I am doing okay or not. To all my friends, thank you so much I just don’t know how to pay this debt. Just letting you know, I am starting to accept the reality and fate that Allah has given me.

 

Here’s a short video of my autumn break trip to Brisbane, Queensland, Australia.

 

 

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I’m a sinner

Hey y’all . I know I still have to post a writing about Eid and Summer vacay ’16 but lol I still need to edit the videos. Right now my schedule is quite packed but I’m just trying to find excuses to procrastinate and try to do something just so I feel like I’m productive. HAHAHA. Anyway, this post is more about a dark past that I’ve been reflecting about.

So yesterday, one of my housemates was very shocked at how her friend was being extremely social. She drank, got a little tipsy and was definitely having a lot of physical contact with her boyfriend. Malaysians are quite a conservative considering that many are Muslims. Plus, we are Asians too so that’s an extra. My housemate was telling us a scene that she witnessed with a lot of emotions which cracked me up so bad hahahha. But, to be very honest, I felt guilty and sad at the same time.

Guilty because I was a girl that is full of sin. When I poured my feelings to a guy I liked, I set no boundaries for myself. But thanks to my insecurities, the boundaries was then set. Which then I realized that I’ve made a mistake. One that I really regret it.

And of course I was sad at the same time. I was sad because the girl still doesn’t realize how valuable she is until life hits her to the bottom pit. Like I was. And if it wasn’t for my family and friends support, I don’t think that I’d be able to be up again.