Blessing in disguise

Heeeyyyy friends, readers, stalkers … hehe … Sorry I haven’t  been updating my blog for quite a while now. About 2 months to be exact.  Same old reason since 5 years ago– life happens. huhu…

Anyways, my 2017 has been a blessing in disguise. Well, the starting of this year was quite rough. A lot of things had happened (read previous posts) and definitely had a hard time. I never thought that I would be able to live normally so fast. Early this semester, I thought of taking a gap year, dropping uni, etc. Not being able to focus in class, failing, being depressive when left alone, and thinking  that I was so unlucky that I had to face things that people my age didn’t have to go through. Yes, last semester, negative was my last name. However,  thanks to my friends and family for their endless support, I recovered and alhamdulillah, I thank Allah for all the problems that I faced. I am definitely becoming more mature with the tests that are given to me. All those problems opened my eyes to see who are genuinely nice to my family and I.

Without realizing, second semester came in rushing. My life this semester is taking a huge turn. Things are not the same anymore. I faced problems with people whom I used to call them friends. Honestly, I’ve been sucking it in but people have limits. I have my limit. There are always limits in everything. Limits in making jokes, understanding people, etc. Yet, there are no limits in meeting new people and making new friends. HEHEHE 😀 Soo, introducing my fav friends (as for now… Later when we fight, they will no longer be my favorites hahah)

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With ’em nuggetz (missing ena) 

So our friendship started with food. We feed each other and we never stop feeding each other. Then, from food, level unlock to group study sessions. From study sessions, we go to gym together and thus, our friendship is getting stronger and clinger day by day which results in me sleeping at their place everyday. Note: they are my neighbors so we only live a few blocks away. Can’t lie, hands down, I really like my friendship with them (as for now) because we are being very transparent with each other without getting offended (because ain’t nobody got time for that), we are very supportive (this is 10/10– real) and we always make jokes so we have a lot of inside jokes.

This semester, I’ve found reasons of why I failed a unit. I’ve found reasons of why I faced problems with some people. I’ve found reasons of why things happened this way. Everything is a blessing in disguise. I may not see it when bad things happened the way they did. But now, everything is crystal clear. If you don’t like being with the people you are hanging out now, don’t force yourself and find new people that will make you happy. Always be positive and surround yourself with people that are positive because that reflects you as a person.

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Reset. Renew

Hey yall ~ hehe ;D Story time:

The starting of this year was very rough as many have already known from my previous posts. It was so rough that my mid term examinations went downhill. I recovered again after autumn break but there wasn’t enough time for me to bring my grades up after I did terribly in my exams and assessments. That’s that. My love life didn’t go as good as expected as well. After three years, I finally set my eyes again on someone but before I even began anything, the dude got himself a girlfriend. My confidence and self- esteem also went down and when I got back home, I decided to open up to some people and have a heart to heart talk because I need to know what I need to improve. After talking it out to my friends and acquaintances, my priorities are becoming much clearer. It felt like I’ve found myself again.

Last month, I am finally 21. Thus, I decided that I want to change. In order to feel like I am actually gonna start new, I got a haircut and muted everyone who I feel are toxic in my life and in my progress of becoming better. I received a present from my best friend and it was delivered to my house. I was very touched to be very honest. There was a candle as well and I decided to blow it out and it really made me feel like I am able to change to be a more confident person whose priorities are on her family and herself. I also decided that I will no longer chase after guys because “crush tend to make your heart crushed”.

Right now, I am happy and feel really blessed for having a supportive parents, siblings, family and friends. The amount of love that I received are gifts that I couldn’t ask for. The way I celebrated my birthday with my family was also a cherry on top despite the unsolved problems that are stressing all of us out. When I arrived Sydney, my friends were also able to gave a surprise for my belated birthday. I was honestly about to cry because I was so touched. I know my friends’ and my family’s schedule and I know how busy life is right now. Yet, they still made the time to make me feel appreciated.

 

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Super touched #1
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Super touched #2
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Super touched #3 Even though you copied this from the Liverpool chant since high school, you never lied about this. I never walked alone. Thank you for always being there for me even when I was at my worst :”””)

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Blessed 🙂
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Thankful enough for having them as my family

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The best part of Sydney is them :’)
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21 is a sexy age 😉

One step closer.

 

Without realizing it is already May and it has been almost 4 months since the biggest life changing event incident happened to my family. I must admit that the first two months of the semester really destroyed me as a person. The fact that my summer vacation turned into a nightmare was really hard to believe. I am taking Exercise and Sports Science for my degree and of course I have to learn things such as giving first aid and etc. So it made it harder for me to focus because I couldn’t run from thinking about the incident. Plus the same picture of the incident kept on replaying in my mind. At times I had hard times breathing and I felt suffocated, and when I was in lectures, my mind went completely blank and I just couldn’t listen to what my lecturers were talking about. I spent times crying in the shower, buses and trains. Yeah, it was that bad. But I tried to keep going. I swear I tried because I felt especially bad to those who sponsored for my tuition fees for this semester.

At a certain point, I decided to bring myself up again because I know my dad wouldn’t like to see me acting the way I did. So I told my housemates to write me motivational notes so that I could stick them on my board, whenever I miss talking my dad, I write letters to him (in which they will remain undelivered in this world), I tried writing motivational quotes for myself and I tried giving myself a pep talk every morning in front of the mirror and during autumn break, I went traveling with my friends and just enjoyed the good companies. Every time I was feeling extremely depressed, I kept giving myself reasons to why I can’t behave the way I did. I realized that I am the one who is in charge of how I feel. As sad as I may be, I am the one who decides whether I should let myself getting destroyed because I am in control of my emotions. I gave myself some thoughts and I realized that there are people who are going through worse than what my family and I are going through. I also realized that whenever I feel sad, it was me who decided to feel sad and that same goes with being happy.

I may look like a woman with a heart of steel. I may look like I am strong inside out. But just with a fact that I am a human being, I do feel sad, and I am fragile. So I am very thankful and feeling very blessed with the fact that I am surrounded with good friends. The friends who constantly give me mental supports and keep checking up on me every once in a while to see whether I am doing okay or not. To all my friends, thank you so much I just don’t know how to pay this debt. Just letting you know, I am starting to accept the reality and fate that Allah has given me.

 

Here’s a short video of my autumn break trip to Brisbane, Queensland, Australia.

 

 

What it feels like to be an international student

After 1 month, I finally got a wifi set up in my house. Yay! More post to update. Hewhewhewhew. I’ve been writing on word docs wondering when I will be able to post it. Obviously I can bring my laptop to class and post it up there but you know the feels are different. I feel more excited posting it up when I am home on my study table. Anyway, enjoy the post that I wrote few weeks ago!

Perks of being an international student

If you read my title, you’d probably thinking that maybe you will be able to relate to my post or maybe you are thinking of how lucky international students are. But this is why I am actually writing this post. I will tell you how somewhat lucky for being local students.

So this is what I think is like to be an international students.

Honestly, having friends around you are like bomb dot com. That’s how most students are able to cope with teachers and the stressfulness of the assignments and exams and stuffs. But a very little percentage of people like to be alone and I am definitely not one. Duh. Here’s the catch.

If you are one of the local students, just know that you are so lucky because when you go back to your hometown once you entered college or uni, you know there will be some friends waiting for you. You know that you will be able to have a mini reunion with your friends. And you will be so amazed looking at each other and realizing how matured you have become. You will be so amazed at how good looking your friends are. If you have your little clique since you were in elementary, you can meet each other once seasonal breaks start! Good lord, do you guys have any ideas what international students like me would do when I go home and there’s no one for me to meet?

Okay, fine maybe I do have about one or two that I was closed with back when I was in elementary. But again, they are not the people where I spent my time together since middle school. They are not the people who I spent my time ranting about my boyfriend cheated on me or how I was such an asshole for betraying my best friend and spent days crying in my room (because guilty lol). They are not the people who were with me when I was at my worst and when I was the top shining super-star! The feelings are different. Because you know, once you graduated from high school or once your family moved to a different country or city, the chance of meeting your friends altogether again is almost impossible.

Talking from own experiences you know how shitty I felt when I look at my last yearbook? You know how shitty I felt when I look at my album and saw pictures of my friends and realizing that it was the end of our bonding. You know how shitty I felt every single time I think about how far we are physically from each other and realizing that it is almost impossible for all of us to be reunited again? And do you know what is the shittiest? Facing the painful reality that on your wedding day, most probably none of them will be able to make it.

At this point on, I have always wanted to have my own little group of friends where I can be myself and not worry about getting judged. I’ve always wanted the slumber party at our own rent apartment where we can talk about anything, and watch movies and just fall asleep. Oh, life would be if I have my best friends around right now. But I guess it is time to move on and just make new friends and spend ample amount of time together. Enjoy while it lasts!

Friends?

It is common to have a sudden thought when you are in your shower. Of course, I am one of those people that think a lot especially when I’m in shower. Sometimes I think about the weirdest thing possible. But anyways, today I decided to share what I thought about.

I was just thinking about friends. It makes me wonder what is friend? What is the meaning of friend? Who are my friends? Who do I consider as my friends? Do I consider people as my friend by how much I hangout with them? Or the longer I’m stuck with someone, do I consider that as a friendship? Or to people that I share my secrets to? What is friend?

Last time I had a talk with someone. I see her as my friend of course but that does not mean she sees me as her friend too no? We did a little bit of catching up about our lives and all and out of the blue, I just thought about our conversation. We both complained about our other friends. And we rant about them. We were not satisfied with what we feel towards them. But we still consider ourselves as their friends. We hang out with them. Talk to them. At the same time, we talk bad about them to other people. While I was in my shower, massaging my head with shampoo, I think that it is not fair for all of my friends. Especially those who I talk bad about. I feel like if I’m not satisfied with them I should confront about it like how I usually do with my siblings or my parents. If I don’t feel good about them, I tell them and they accepted it with open heart. No awkwardness. No touchy-feelings. Nothing. It usually just ended up with, ‘Alright, okay okay, sorry. Won’t do it again’. But why can’t I do the same thing with my friends?

Sure, maybe I’m afraid that they might get sensitive about it. But again, if they are really your friends, shouldn’t they accept it? Idk. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of friends. I feel like I’m so distant to everyone. Everyone that I consider as friends. I’m not sure if it’s because of the long-distance friendship that I’m having; that it is making it like this. Or, I’m just thinking too much about the word ‘friend’.

Anyway, to all my friends that I talk behind to with other people (also usually my other group of friends), I’m sorry. I don’t think it is fair for you guys to deserve such bad mouthing from me while you guys text me and ask how I’m doing. How hypocrite of me and that’s really unfair. But next time if I tell you something about you that doesn’t satisfy me, please accept it without making it awkward with being sensitive about it. And of course, as I’m very aware about myself, I’m annoying. Like I can be extremely annoying that most of the time you really just want to punch me in the face. And if you do feel like that, please let me know as well. Just tell me straight to the point without beating around the bush.

20s!

Hello there! I only have few more days left for my vacation… Sad, I know. I don’t want to go back yet. I am not ready. But that’s life. (I am currently writing this on Feb, 1st, 2016. Probably by the time this post is being posted, I am already in Malaysia celebrating my older sister’s birthday.)

Anyway, most of us are now around our 20s or legal or soon to be legal/20s. We are all growing up and as a matter of fact, sometimes, we don’t even realized that we are already an adult. We don’t feel like we are ready to live on our own. We don’t feel like we are big enough to be paying the bills, rent, tuition fees, etc. We don’t feel like we are responsible enough to be using the kitchen and cooking utensils.

But let’s face it. We are already at that point of life where we are supposed to be accepting the fact that we are no longer a kid. Even though we still feel the same when we were 10, 15, and even 20! You might be feeling the same even later when you reached 30 unless you change the way you think .No. We are no longer in school and the fact that most of us are no longer living with our parents. We are adults. We cook for ourselves, we do our own laundry, we pay our own rent and bills, and we manage our own money whether it being our allowance or our own income. Most importantly, you are your own guardian.

Sometimes I wonder how am I suppose to act like one? How am I supposed to make sure that I don’t rely too much on my parents? Especially after finding out that most of my friends are already making their own money while I am still crawling under my parents armpit looking for care? But then I figured something out. In order for me to act like an adult and be a responsible adult, I have to accept the fact that I am an adult. No matter what.

Welcome 2016

Happy New Year guise!!! I hope you guys all enjoyed your New Year’s celebration…

How was my celebration? Uhm, let’s see. I didn’t celebrate it haha. Honestly, I wasn’t even waiting for the clock to hit 1200 o’clock for 2016. I thought well, it’s just going to be another year. “New year, new me” hahah really? I mean obviously every year people change. People are not gonna stay the same each year… Including me. Thoughts, personality, looks,.. everything. You name it. They all changed.

For me? I don’t know. 2015 did quite a lot of damaged on me and I’ve noticed myself changing each year. I’m not the same as I was 2 or 3 years ago. I was happier, enjoying things, fewer problem I think. The way I think, and look at things,… they are all different now. My defense mechanism also changed. How different though?

Well back then, I was more optimistic, cheerful, do things that actually make me happy and most of the time, I feel at ease. I never cared of how I look, the way I dressed or what I think about how people look at me. But I think as I grow older, I feel myself changing,… more mature (?) and surprisingly, I started taking people’s nasty comments seriously. I’m still optimistic but it wasn’t the same as I was few years ago. I’m still happy but happy in a different way… Actually now, I’d say I feel more blessed instead of happy.

Seriously, I hate the fact that these nasty comments started creeping in my soul… Like “you are so fat. You need to lose some weight.”, “ I think you should take care of your face because look at those pimples.” , “ you’re so stupid.” , “be a little bit more feminine. You’re a girl, not a tomboy.”… etc etc etc. People have been telling me these stuffs since few years ago… Family, friends (new/old), everyone… you name it. But I didn’t care. I gave zero fucks. I just laughed it off… But like now, whoa… I can’t believe that I’m letting those comments affect me. At some point, I take these comments as a challenge to change. But then, why should I change? For people? Hell no. I don’t live to satisfy people. But since it’s been bothering me a lot for a while now, and it’s 2016, so it’s game time! I’m going to change for myself and just to make your jaw drop, eyes poppin’, heart melt (lol joke)

Hahah but for real though, if you guys set goals to change, change for yourself and change to be better. Don’t do it for other people cuz they don’t worth your time. If you haven’t live a happy life, take this chance to live happily. If you get hurt a lot because of others, lower your expectations. But that doesn’t mean that you should stop loving people. Love first, then you’ll be loved.