I’m a sinner

Hey y’all . I know I still have to post a writing about Eid and Summer vacay ’16 but lol I still need to edit the videos. Right now my schedule is quite packed but I’m just trying to find excuses to procrastinate and try to do something just so I feel like I’m productive. HAHAHA. Anyway, this post is more about a dark past that I’ve been reflecting about.

So yesterday, one of my housemates was very shocked at how her friend was being extremely social. She drank, got a little tipsy and was definitely having a lot of physical contact with her boyfriend. Malaysians are quite a conservative considering that many are Muslims. Plus, we are Asians too so that’s an extra. My housemate was telling us a scene that she witnessed with a lot of emotions which cracked me up so bad hahahha. But, to be very honest, I felt guilty and sad at the same time.

Guilty because I was a girl that is full of sin. When I poured my feelings to a guy I liked, I set no boundaries for myself. But thanks to my insecurities, the boundaries was then set. Which then I realized that I’ve made a mistake. One that I really regret it.

And of course I was sad at the same time. I was sad because the girl still doesn’t realize how valuable she is until life hits her to the bottom pit. Like I was. And if it wasn’t for my family and friends support, I don’t think that I’d be able to be up again.

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Welcome 2016

Happy New Year guise!!! I hope you guys all enjoyed your New Year’s celebration…

How was my celebration? Uhm, let’s see. I didn’t celebrate it haha. Honestly, I wasn’t even waiting for the clock to hit 1200 o’clock for 2016. I thought well, it’s just going to be another year. “New year, new me” hahah really? I mean obviously every year people change. People are not gonna stay the same each year… Including me. Thoughts, personality, looks,.. everything. You name it. They all changed.

For me? I don’t know. 2015 did quite a lot of damaged on me and I’ve noticed myself changing each year. I’m not the same as I was 2 or 3 years ago. I was happier, enjoying things, fewer problem I think. The way I think, and look at things,… they are all different now. My defense mechanism also changed. How different though?

Well back then, I was more optimistic, cheerful, do things that actually make me happy and most of the time, I feel at ease. I never cared of how I look, the way I dressed or what I think about how people look at me. But I think as I grow older, I feel myself changing,… more mature (?) and surprisingly, I started taking people’s nasty comments seriously. I’m still optimistic but it wasn’t the same as I was few years ago. I’m still happy but happy in a different way… Actually now, I’d say I feel more blessed instead of happy.

Seriously, I hate the fact that these nasty comments started creeping in my soul… Like “you are so fat. You need to lose some weight.”, “ I think you should take care of your face because look at those pimples.” , “ you’re so stupid.” , “be a little bit more feminine. You’re a girl, not a tomboy.”… etc etc etc. People have been telling me these stuffs since few years ago… Family, friends (new/old), everyone… you name it. But I didn’t care. I gave zero fucks. I just laughed it off… But like now, whoa… I can’t believe that I’m letting those comments affect me. At some point, I take these comments as a challenge to change. But then, why should I change? For people? Hell no. I don’t live to satisfy people. But since it’s been bothering me a lot for a while now, and it’s 2016, so it’s game time! I’m going to change for myself and just to make your jaw drop, eyes poppin’, heart melt (lol joke)

Hahah but for real though, if you guys set goals to change, change for yourself and change to be better. Don’t do it for other people cuz they don’t worth your time. If you haven’t live a happy life, take this chance to live happily. If you get hurt a lot because of others, lower your expectations. But that doesn’t mean that you should stop loving people. Love first, then you’ll be loved.

Love and Hate

Hey guise!  I’m leaving in a day! YAY!!! OMG EXCITED!!!! SO HAPPY!!!!

I was just thinking before I hit the hay yesterday… I was seriously in a deep thought actually haha.

“The more you hate, the more you love”

LOL idk I used to say that a lot when I was in freshman especially to tease my friends … But now that I’m a little bit mature (yes) and with the Islamophobia that is going around, I think that phrase that I used to tease my friends actually suits the situation.

Everyday when I’m scrolling down my facebook page, there is always at least one negative post about Muslims, or Islam and terrorists, etc. But there are also posts about non-muslims that are against it or comments about how they are defending the Muslims. So for some reason, it got me thinking, maybe, if there are people that hate you and go against you, there are actually more people that love and support you.

Honestly, living far from my parents and watching biased media everywhere, sometimes scared me. But, knowing that there are people that still have common sense and actually smart not believing the media 100%, I’m actually very thankful.

Idk where I’m going with this but here’s a piece of advice… If you think that people hate you and go against you for being you, fuck it . Live your life. Be yourself because believe it or not, there are more nicer and supportive people (At least that’s what I believe).